Dec 042011

I know I’ve said it before, but once the school year starts, work takes over. It feels like it’s been a few days since I’ve blogged, but it’s been three months. I can assure you, I did not fall off the face of the earth. Between balancing work, training, and my personal life, things get very hectic. Many people are under the impression that teachers have it easy, with a shorter work day than some professions and three months off in the summer. Those teachers that don’t truly care may have it easy, but for me, from September to June, teaching is a 24/7 job. When I’m not physically at work, I’m trying to come up with ways to help my students. Trying to design new lessons, and new ways to help them understand concepts that they don’t grasp. Or I’m doing paperwork. Even during the summer, I’m trying to come up with ways to improve last year’s lessons. My primary goal always has been (and always will be) to help my students as much as I possibly can in the amount of time I have them.

Anyway. It’s been awhile. Some stats:

Starting Weight: 237.2 lbs
Current Weight: 216.2 lbs
Difference: -21.0 lbs
Difference from last entry: -15.0 lbs

I know those of you that know me in real life saw I had a 30 lb weight loss. That’s from the weight I started at, right around 245 lbs. The starting weight I’ve been recording on here is the weight I was at when I started with my trainer. I never thought I’d lose 10 lbs, let alone 30 lbs, so to see the numbers written out is astounding for me. The problem is I don’t see it. I can tell that my clothes are looser, and I’ve dropped down to 18/20 in pants and L/XL in shirts. If I could just lose a few inches off of my waist, my pants size would probably drop again. But when I look in the mirror, I still see me at 245 lbs. I don’t truthfully know if I’ll ever see myself differently. This is something I’ve dealt with all my life. Looking back to pictures from high school and junior high, there are some pictures where I look painfully skinny. Collarbone sticking out, bony face…but at the time, I was still convinced that I was grossly overweight. My image of myself just isn’t good. I don’t have confidence in myself. I’m convinced that everyone around me is making fun of my weight. And I know part of that is from being bullied about my appearance in school. Working with a trainer who has confidence in me (and the support of my friends and family) has helped. I got my hair cut last Friday. For the first time in a LONG time, I was impressed by the hair cut and what it did for the shape of my face. Aside from a double chin, my face looks slimmer. I don’t know if I’ll ever lose the double chin – my chin is a weird shape to begin with, and I’m not sure how to go about getting rid of the fat around my chin. Maybe it’s one of the last things to go, I don’t know. I did feel some confidence in packing up 8 garbage bags full of clothing to send elsewhere. Until I realized how much money in clothing I was just giving away – then I cried. But…in time, I’ll get over it. Hopefully I’ll have new clothes – clothes that are not plus-sized, clothes that are actually fashionable, and clothes that I’ll feel comfortable in. And with that, I hope I can finally find my confidence.

I know most of the last paragraph was rambling. But sometimes it just feels good to get it out.